With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'When he cries!' she told me.
'When he cries?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
And then the fight started . . .
Case 1
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
Case 2
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started...
Case 3
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
Case 4
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My heavns!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
Case 5
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
Case 6
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Case 7
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of drinks for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the drinks would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
Case 8
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
Case 9
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, 'My heavens! That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
Case 10
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
That's the reason why communication is important ! ! !
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
Case 2
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started...
Case 3
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
Case 4
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My heavns!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
Case 5
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
Case 6
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Case 7
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of drinks for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the drinks would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
Case 8
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
Case 9
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, 'My heavens! That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
Case 10
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
That's the reason why communication is important ! ! !
Nice Gesture ?
One afternoon, a businessman was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied.
"We have no choice. We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the businessman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree"
"Bring them along", the businessman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well", the businessman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the businessman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The businessman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied.
"We have no choice. We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the businessman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree"
"Bring them along", the businessman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well", the businessman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the businessman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The businessman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
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