Friday, March 20, 2009

Common Sense

An obituary printed in the London Times:

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, 'Common Sense', who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher, fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
by his parents, Truth and Trust.
His wife, Discretion,
his daughter, Responsibility,
his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights;
It's My Culture;
I Want It Now;
Someone Else Is To Blame;
I'm A Victim.


Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Irish Classic

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them:
'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly.
'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy
'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno...'

Life is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word:
think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food:
think of someonewho has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife:
think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Before you complain about your children:
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Today before you complain about life:
think of someone who died too early on this earth.

Before you argue about your dirty house - someone didn't clean or sweep:
think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive:
think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And whenyou are tired and complain about your job:
think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another:
remember that not one of us is without sin.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down:
Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around

Blind Girl and a Boyfriend

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.
He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her.
When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including herboyfriend.

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind.
The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that.
The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Know Your Customers

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn'! t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...




First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

And then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend."
"The hell it should have! " said the salesman.
"I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Don't waste time

A STORY WORTH READING... just sharing..

Since last night my young son has been unwell. When I got back from work this evening I decided to take him to hospital despite my exhaustion. There were many waiting; perhaps we will be delayed by more than an hour. I took my number and sat down in the waiting room. There were many faces, young and old, but all silent. Some brothers made use of the many booklets available in the waiting room.

Some of those waiting had their eyes closed, while others were looking around. Most were bored. Once in a while the long silence was broken by a nurse calling out a number. Happiness appears on the one whose turn it is, and he gets up quickly; then silence returns. A young man grabbed my attention. He was reading a pocket-sized Qur`an continuously; not raising his head even once. At first I did not think much about him. However, after one hour of waiting my casual glances turned into a deep reflection about his lifestyle and how he utilizes his time. One hour of life wasted! Instead of making benefit of that hour, it was just a boring wait. Then the call for prayer was made. We went to prayer in the hospital's Masjid. I tried to pray close to the man who was reading the Qur'an earlier in the waiting room.

After the prayer I walked with him. I informed him of how impressed I was of him and how he tries to benefit from his time. He told me that most of our time is wasted without any benefit. These are days that go from our lives without being conscious of them or regretting their waste. He said that he started carrying the pocket-sized Qur`an around when a friend encouraged him to make full use of his time. He told me that in the time other people waste he gets to read much more of the Qur`an than he gets to read either at home or in the masjid. Moreover, besides the reward of reading the Qur`an, this habit saves him from boredom and stress.

He added that he has now been waiting for one and a half hours. Then he asked, when will you find one and a half hours to read the Qur`an? I reflected; How much time do we waste? How many moments of our lives pass by, and yet we do not account for how they passed by? Indeed, how many months pass by and we do not read the Qur`an? I came to respect my companion, and I discovered that I am to stand for account and that time is not in my hand; so what am I waiting for?

My thoughts were interrupted by the nurse calling out my number; I went to the doctor. But I want to achieve something now. After I left the hospital I quickly went to the bookshop and bought a pocket-sized Qur`an. I decided to be mindful of how I spend the time.

Think Positive

This is nice - finding positive out of every negative - which we don't
always manage to do. I am thankful...

1. For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep
with me and not with someone else..

2. For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes,
because that means she is at home & not on the streets.

3. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.

4. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have
been surrounded by friends.

5. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have
enough to eat.

6. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the
sunshine.

7. For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning
because it means I have a home.

8. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it
means that we have freedom of speech.

9. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

10. For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because it means
that I can hear.

11. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have
clothes to wear.

12. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it
means I have been capable of working hard.

13. For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it
means that I am still alive.

I like being old

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?

But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).

Good info

Four things that make your body sick:-
a)Excessive talking
b)Excessive sleeping
c)Excessive eating and
d)Excessive meeting/outing with people

Four things that destroys the body:-
a)Worrying
b)Sorrow (Sadness/Grief)
c)Hunger
d)Sleeping late at night

Four things that make the face looking dull and haggard:-
a)Lying
b)Being disrespectful/impudent (knowingly)
c)Baseless arguements
d)Excessive immorality (committing sins without fear)

Four things that make the face glow and shine:-
a)Piety
b)Loyalty
c)Generosity and kindness
d)Helpful to others without being asked

Childbirth at 70

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'When he cries!' she told me.

'When he cries?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

And then the fight started . . .

Case 1
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

Case 2
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started...

Case 3
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

Case 4
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My heavns!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

Case 5
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

Case 6
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

Case 7
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of drinks for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the drinks would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

Case 8
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

Case 9
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, 'My heavens! That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

Case 10
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

That's the reason why communication is important ! ! !

Nice Gesture ?

One afternoon, a businessman was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food", the poor man replied.
"We have no choice. We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you", the businessman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there, under that tree"
"Bring them along", the businessman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well", the businessman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the businessman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The businessman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."